That which you resist persists! Say that to yourself a few times until in really sinks in. Oftentimes, when we are in a committed relationship, we become so settled and comfortable that we forget to participate in the relationship dance. The dance that, in the beginning, was all that we could think about and we eagerly put on our best dancing shoes for our partner. If you are unclear about what I am referring to, think back to how easy it was in the beginning to be in your relationship. The dance that involves both partners fully participating, while some lead, others follow and some take turns. How you danced as a couple in the beginning of the relationship was your unique way of positively participating in the relationship.
Then time slowly passes and we begin to take the relationship for granted, get bored, and sometimes even actively look for our partner's flaws. We stop dancing together. We often become self righteous and sometimes indignant as we begin to step off the dance floor. Once we are off the dance floor, the music stops and we begin to take on different roles. We ignore, deny, and pretend for so long that we begin to buy our own story of pity and remorse. Worse off, we often fault our partner for the entire lack of connection. I called this the "Relationship Crusher". When the Relationship Crusher appears and takes control of the wheel, the only direction to go is on a downward spiral. The only way to deal with the Relationship Crusher is to recognize, acknowledge and be fully aware of it when it shows up. If you continue to ignore, deny and resist, the Relationship Crusher will persist. Remember that which you resist will persist! What type of Relationship Crusher lives inside of you? I ask this question, because it resides in all of us, whether or not it is outspoken. The difference between long lasting happy relationships and those that whither and die is the recognition of when the Relationship Crusher rears its ugly head and the immediate disbanding of its affect.
Types of Relationship Crushers
Rapid Withdrawal: The Rapid Withdrawal type of person's basic response to people is fear and discomfort. They deeply fear the evaluation, judgment and criticism from those around them but above all fear their rejection. They lack confidence and believe that they are loveable and keep themselves tightly locked inside. As children, they have been taught that people will only love and admire them under certain circumstances and with distinct conditions. If those conditions and circumstances are met then rejection was likely. They may be extremely talented in their work or show confidence in some areas but when out of that role, they become, withdrawn, shy, insecure and moody.
If you are the Rapid Withdrawal type of person, you must be willing to take risks even in the face of feeling vulnerable and scared. You should begin with small, more doable risks and gradually increase the intensity. This will powerfully impact your confidence and self-esteem while chasing away your fears of other people. Learning to trust yourself and others will deeply improve your life.
Sour Surrender: The Sour Surrender has learned that true love means to sacrifice or give up the world for your partner. As a child, this person was constantly reminded about how much was given up for them and that they were expected to return the deed. To be in a loving relationship is a lot of work for them because to be in a relationship means you must sacrifice or surrender yourself to your partner. The Sour Surrender can never have their needs met because they would then appear selfish, and so they deny what causes them to feel sour. However, this is not a no-strings attached type of deal. The Sour Surrender will sell their soul but expect the same in return. For them, to suffer for your partner is the ultimate act of love, and only in true love can you suffer.
The Sour Surrneder must lighten their load and lift off some of the weight they have burdened the relationship with. They need to forgive those who laid the heavy guilt on them as a child and must be prepared to love with no strings attached, while not forgetting to recognize the importance of meeting their own needs.
The Counterfeiter: The Counterfeiter is the true chameleon. They have so many different identities that they lose sight of who they really are. They act according to how they want others to perceive them, and rarely risk speaking their own mind. They are highly skilled with impressing people and quickly winning them over. Growing up, the Counterfeiter likely never felt valued or appreciated for their own thoughts, feelings or opinions and as a result learned to be whoever people wanted them to be. The biggest struggle for the Counterfeiter is that because they are never really themselves, they cannot trust or believe other's love for them because deep inside they know that others do not even know who they truly are.
If you are a Counterfeiter, you must come to know the real you. It is highly important that you begin to show your true self to the world and allow people to love and appreciate you with all of your moods and personality traits. Above all, you must begin to value and appreciate yourself in order to have others do the same.
Righteous Refusal:The Righteous Refusal type learned at a very young age that when you are "wrong", people will reject you and withdraw their love. In order to gain love and acceptance, they will fight to the death to prove that they are right. They can never admit that they are wrong because to admit fault would be to admit that they are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and acceptance. The Righteous Refusal person attempts to make other people wrong so that they can prove how right they are, and has an excuse for everything that they do. Arguing with them is a frustrating experience because they will go into an entire lecture explaining all the reasons why they are right, you are wrong, and wear you down until they feel as if they have proven their point.
If you are the Righteous Refusal type, you must learn how to take responsibility and apologize when you make a mistake, even if you really do have a great excuse! You utilize your skilled rationalizations and your favorite justifications as a way of avoiding your feelings and keeping fear and guilt suppressed. You must recognize that people will love you even when you make mistakes.
Absolute Anger: The Absolute Anger type person believes that they have been handed the short end of the stick and that life is unfair to them. This person is extremely angry and actively works to get even with those they feel have wronged them. The chip on their shoulder looks more like a boulder and they carry it with them where ever they go. The Absolute Anger person feels extremely inadequate and is always trying to protect themselves from further injustice. For them, anger is their one true protection that works as a shield to keep people at a safe distance. To compensate for feelings of inadequacy, they refuse to be satisfied by the people around them and the world in general. They are very hard to please and ordinarily project their own inadequacy onto everyone around them.
If you are the Absolute Anger type you must recognize that you maintain your feelings of anger to hide your true feelings of inadequacy and fear. You must learn that you deserve love even if you are insufficient or inadequate in some areas of your life. Through learning to love and forgiving people in your life you will learn to love and truly forgive yourself.
The One Man Show: The One Man Show works hard to prove that they have no need for other people. As a child, they did not get the recognition or acknowledgement that they wanted or needed so they made a decision that they would never rely on others again. They decided that they would never be in need of acceptance or recognition, and when they did open up, they continuously felt disappointed and hurt in their relationship. The One Man Show also feels restful by feeling obligated to satisfy their partners' needs, just as they resent their own needs. To the One Man Show, needs are a sign of weakness and only weak people expect to have them met. This loving and sensitive person actually has a deep desire to be close to other people but is absolutely unwilling to risk getting hurt or feeling let down. Feelings of guilt are regular emotions for them as they believe that they have no right to ask for or expect love and acceptance. As a result they deny themselves the love and feelings of connection that they so deeply desire. The obvious choice for The One Man Show is to avoid relationships, closeness and just live alone. The more they feel they are in need the more they pull away and separate themselves from those who are closest, therefore they push out the very thing they need the most: To be loved.
If you are a One Man Show, it is essential that you learn to speak up and share your pain, fears, concerns, and needs. You must learn that to need or to have needs is not a filthy word and have the courage to let people get close to you so that you can get the love and recognition that you desire.
The Accommodator: The Accommodator spends the majority if not all of their time pleasing and doing what's good and "right" and has lost touch with their own needs. This person is calm, even tempered, and agreeable and permits others around them to make all the decisions. The Accommodator learned as a child that if you comply you will be rewarded. The reward was likely in the form of affection, a warm smile or communicated approval. They submit to all rules and regulation like a robot, and rarely feel comfortable showing anger or disappointment. Instead they submit and learn to adapt, and avoid rocking the boat at all costs. On the surface, they appear happy but on the inside feel alone, unfulfilled and empty. The Accommodator is frightened to be themselves or put their own needs first, because they so desperately fear disapproval or to be frowned upon. They are stuck between a rock and a hard place; if they open themselves up and show their true colors they risk people finding out that they are not so nice. If they continue to just be accommodating and repress their own needs, then they can never really feel fulfilled and continue to feel empty.
If you are The Accommodator it is crucial for you to learn to speak up to have your own needs met and practice saying "no". You must learn to sufficiently express your anger and sadness, and embrace the not so nice person inside, while recognizing that people will love you for who you really are.
The Martyr: The Martyr was likely hurt as a child and was given an over abundance of sympathy. The Martyr feels unworthy of love or affection unless it is lead by some big problem, tragedy or drama. The Martyr is the one that confess their worst experiences at a dinner party and gain a lot of mileage out of their story or uses a physical illness to gain attention. The problem for the Martyr is the more they tell their victim stories the more attention and reinforcement they gain from it, making a difficult habit to break. The Martyr feels extremely powerless in life and attempts to control people by making them feel guilty for all they have been through. They rarely take responsibility for their own life and people around them get sucked into taking care of and pleasing them to protect them from further pain.
If you are a Martyr you will need to learn to develop your own power. You can increase your own feelings of power and sufficiency by taking responsibility for yourself and the experiences that you have. You must come to recognize your own anger and resentment and begin to forgive yourself and others.
The Show Off: The Show Off has low self worth and low self-esteem by always trying to show off, bend or exaggerate the truth. They learned as a child that the only way to really get the attention that they needed was to act overly dramatic and expand the truth. The Show Off does not deceptively lie or plan to deceive you but finds that it just automatically happens that way. Deep inside the Show Off believes that they are not good enough or worthy of receiving the love and attention they crave. They believe that the truth is never enough to warrant the active attention of other people and rarely trust the love of others. After all, if they exaggerate the truth to others, then others must be exaggerating the truth about their love for them. The deeper they feel and the closer they get to others, the more paranoid and defensive they become.
If you are a Show Off, it is imperative that you begin to practice communicating the actual truth, and recognize that people around you will still love you. The Show Off should first try this with someone that they trust and honestly love, and confess all the exaggerations, lies and blown-out-of-proportion stories, and recognize that they are still worthy of love. They will need to learn to trust, both themselves and those around them.
The Critic: Whatever the critic cannot stand or hate about themselves, they will seek out in others and actively criticize them for those same qualities. The Critic is preoccupied with talking about, finding or pointing out the faults and flaws in other people. They feel very powerful by belittling those around them, especially people they are closest to. They likely hate parts of themselves, powerfully projecting those qualities onto others and then becoming extremely judgmental and critical of them. When the critic is afraid of judgment they quickly become defensive and sarcastic and retaliate with a barrage of judgments, opinions and is often skilled with backing it up with "proof". The Critic is a "stamp Collector" holding onto as many mistakes or issues from the past and bringing them up as ammunition to further judge.
If you are a Critic, you must begin to see yourself and all of the people that you are judging. When you are feeling judgmental about something or someone, look for that same quality in yourself. Put yourself in their shoes, and look for the way that you are like them. Your next step is to learn the art of forgiveness. Forgiveness in them and forgiveness in yourself for not being "perfect". Just as you are excellent and looking for all the reasons to disconnect and separate yourself, push yourself to find reasons to stay connected or build connections.
In all, the Relationship Crusher has the potential to act out in all of us. How you handle it when the time arises means the difference between success and hurt in your relationship. So be sure to take the time to identify which one(s) reside in you and prepare each other for when they do. Communicate in an honest and loving way that accepts the trait and creates a successful plan to work through the flare ups when they occur. I promise that you will learn to dance again and continue to dance with great fanfare the more you practice.